I called the police this morning. I’ll have to tell you about that next time (it’s nothing disastrous). This post has to do with writing my novel — where I am, where I’m going.
This past weekend, I realized a few things:
1. I really, really love this story and these characters. I mean, of course I always have — that’s why I’m writing the book! — but now their situation is getting bigger, more intense. I’m walking around with an ache in my chest; the intense longing of my characters has become my own.
2. I love my story so much that I don’t really care whether anyone else likes it or not. I don’t care if it never gets published. I’m just so happy that it is, that it exists! After all this time, it’s finally becoming a novel, not just being an idea for one, sitting mostly untapped in the recesses of my mind. Now that it’s finally coming out — and I know I will finish it this time — I love it like it’s my own precious baby. Intellectually, I know it is imperfect. But I don’t care, because I love it; it is mine. It’s like I want to finish writing it, make whatever changes I see fit, print it out and wrap it up in a receiving blanket (yes, just like a baby), and hide it safely under my bed, where no one but me can ever read it or criticize it.
Stupid, right? But that’s how I feel.
Which brings me to …
3. When all is said and done and the novel is finished, I am going to mourn. I’ve been writing like a crazy person, wanting to pour out the story, get it down. But I know now that the faster I write, the sooner it will be over. I’m going to be so sad! I have lived with this story, these characters, for more than 17 years — that’s nearly half my life! These “story people” have become a part of who I am — in so many ways I never would have imagined. Saying goodbye is going to hurt a lot. Yes, I have ideas for other novels, and of course I will begin one of those as soon as I’m finished with this one. But nothing else I write will ever mean as much to me as this first story.
Which brings me back ’round to #1 — how much I have fallen hopelessly in love with this book. Isn’t that weird? But it’s a very good place to be.
